Four Faith-Based Approaches for Talking to Christians About Your Sexuality

1. Relationship and Story First

I recommend starting out by sharing your own story. Jesus mostly listened to others’ stories and shared stories when teaching, asking far more questions than actually answering. Paul and the disciples often began with real stories before diving into theology.

When it comes to LGBTQ+ exclusion from the church, many people have never really considered how that plays out when it impacts someone they know or love. Sharing your own story brings it front and center. 

Here are some questions that might help shape your story:

• What’s your experience with the church been while internalizing your sexuality?
• How have you arrived at holding on to both your faith and sexuality? 
• What hesitations do you have in sharing your story?
• What assumptions did you grow up with around faith and sexuality?
• What turning point helped you see yourself as both queer and beloved by God?

You may not want to get into scripture during this conversation, but Matthew 7:16-20 is a good passage to reference should the conversation go that route. Most of the people you are going to be having this conversation with are going to know you, and know your “fruit.” Sharing your experiences and story should help them see just how much you’re seeking God through all of this process. 

This conversation doesn’t need to be wrapped up with everyone coming to an understanding. You can simply ask the person to dwell on your story and challenge them to keep it in mind as you guys move forward in your relationship. You can decide to speak further about this if you want. You can ask to maintain your relationship while holding differing views on this (as you probably already do on some other topics). 

2. God’s Grace Covers All

Sometimes you might not want to get too deep with someone. Or you’re just over it. This approach can be used as a boundary when someone is more interested in judging than learning.

Remember: No one needs to earn God’s love or prove they’re worthy of grace. God’s grace is universal and free. John 1:17 says, “Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” The same grace that covers others also covers you. And John 3:16, “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

So if one believes in God’s grace and in salvation, one would have to agree that they are free to all who seek. And leave it at that. 

You can simply say, ‘God’s grace covers me just like it covers you,’ and move on.

3. Unity in the Essentials, Diversity in the Non-Essentials 

Many churches are made up of members who already hold differing views on many topics like baptism, end times, alcohol use, or women in leadership. Theological diversity is what makes church communities great. Sometimes discussing how to create a space where people stop trying to prove they’re right and instead accept that differing views are reasonable.

Many people will find it hard to bring this outlook to their view of LGBTQ+ inclusion since it’s been such a heated issue. Romans 14 offers a helpful model here. Paul teaches mutual respect, acceptance, and individual conscience.

I’ve written a whole post on theological diversity here.

Remember Historical & Denominational Humility This is useful when trying to diffuse a “but Christians have always believed…” argument. Churches have changed their teachings over time on slavery, women in ministry, remarriage after divorce… So it’s not unprecedented to reexamine things.

4. Contextual Re-Examination of Scripture 

If theology is your love language, this section is for you. Now, if you’re prone to hours of study, enjoy nerding out on a topic, or the idea of preparing a thesis seems fun, you can always do a deep dive into the scriptures that touch on same-sex sexual activity. These references, often referred to as “the clobber passages,” are traditionally used to other and exclude LGBTQ+ people in the church. 

• Genesis 19:1-38
• Leviticus 18:22, 20:13
• Romans 1:25-27
• 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
• 1 Timothy 1:9-10
• Jude 6-7

A brief study will bring up controversial items such as: today most Biblical scholars are in agreement that the sin of Sodom & Gomorrah was not homosexuality, but rather inhospitality and violence. And the word “homosexual” wasn’t even used in the Bible until 1946 when it was first introduced in an English translation (the RSV), leading to decades of mistranslation. (See 1946 The Movie).

A deeper study, looking at context over individual verses, cultural insights, and the big picture of God will open up a new understanding of the heart of the messages shared in the clobber passages. 

This will take time and is not the route for everyone. I know pastors and missionaries who have chosen to sever relationships with their own child rather than study and try to reach understanding. 

However, there may be some people interested in a thorough understanding and have started compiling resources on these passages here. 

Shift the Conversation

This applies to any of the four approaches above: If you need to diffuse a situation that’s getting heated or you find the conversation going in circles, inviting some self-reflection might be helpful. 

This is useful when you’re dealing with someone who’s open, but hasn’t interrogated their inherited beliefs. As some questions such as: 

• Can I ask how you came to your beliefs about sexuality? 
• Who shaped them? 
• Have you ever talked with a queer Christian before?
• Have you ever studied what the Bible says paired with some historical or cultural resources? 

Why this helps: It puts the weight of theological examination back on the questioner in a gentle but pointed way. This avoids defensiveness and often exposes how little they’ve truly studied or reflected.

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Cheat Sheet

Not sure which approach fits your situation? Here’s a quick guide to help.

Approach	When to Use	Key Strength
Storytelling	When you have trust	Builds empathy
Grace Alone	When you’re done debating	Sets spiritual boundary
Unity in Non-Essentials	When someone values church community	Reframes difference
Scripture Reexamination	When they’re open to study	Offers depth & clarity
Shift the Conversation	When asked bad-faith questions	Disarms confrontation
Invite Reflection	When they’re open but unexamined	Shifts responsibility
Look at the Fruit	When they’re relational or pastoral	Invokes discernment

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Look At You!

Just thinking about having these conversations is a big deal!
Whether you’re gearing up for a heartfelt one-on-one or just imagining what you might say someday, I hope this guide gives you language, perspective, and a few deep breaths of courage.

And remember:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Your story is sacred.
Your relationship with God is yours.

Only have these conversations when you are ready. Not when someone demands it. Not when guilt creeps in. Not because you feel like you have to defend your faith or your identity.
If and when you choose to share, do it on your own terms, with the people who’ve earned your trust.
And if you ever need a sounding board, a resource, or just someone to say “yep, that was a lot”—I’m here. Reach out anytime.
You’re not alone. And you never have to prove that you belong.

Have you tried any of these approaches?

Be well,
David

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Leviticus 18